Alone

Not sure how to explain how alone I feel here in the midst of so many people.  Most of whom are irritating me beyond my belief.  Don’t get me wrong, Craggy Wash in Lake Havasu is a pretty place and I think it can be a really nice place to be.  Just not by yourself when you weren’t expecting to be by yourself.  I think that’s coloring most of my feelings.  I think I’m feeling a bit abandoned and unworthy.  I only came here because K and D were coming and last year I had such a good time with them.

I guess I’ve been too needy this year though and they are pushing me away.  Not telling me of their plans, things like that.  Not that anyone needs to tell anyone else of their plans.  Just since I’m not camped by them, if they wanted to include me or do things with me, you’d think they would let me know.  Instead, they *might* stop by on the way into town and ask if I need anything.  Not ask me to go with them, just kinda rub it in my nose that they are doing something without me and that I’m alone.

Others in the group text me while they are on the way to a restaurant, “oh, did anyone tell you we are all going out to eat lunch at this restaurant in 20 minutes?”  I’m an afterthought.  Kind to invite me, but at the same time a meaningless gesture, since giving someone 20 minutes notice in a place like Lake Havasu means you never expect them to show up, but want the credit for asking them.

Again, I KNOW that they are not deliberately doing that.  I’m not on their radar enough for that.  I want to be their friend more than they want me as a friend.  That’s what’s driving me crazy.  I HATE being that person!

I think I’m a good person.  I think I’m interesting and have led an interesting life.  I’ve done good things in my life.  So why does no one want to be around me?  Sigh.  I don’t think it’s necessarily that no one wants to be around me…. more that they have each other and occasionally it’s nice to include someone else, but definitely not necessary for them.  So I’m becoming needy.

I really don’t want to be here by myself.  Especially when I feel like I’ve been hanging on to this group that is only including me because I made a fuss and they feel sorry for me.  K and D have been very kind, but have made it very clear to me that our “friendship” is on their terms and time, not mine.  If I want to do something and invite them, they have other plans, or don’t feel like it, or some other excuse.  That’s fine.  The bad part is that I’m so needing of company that when they finally deign to notice me or ask me to be a part of their plans I fall all over myself to accept.

I hate myself for that.  I really do have more pride but I’ve relegated myself to position of hanger on.

So today I’m standing up for myself (after this bit of pity party and weeping) and leaving the place that is not healthy for me.  I’m going to be alone, alone.

Kili looks as sad as me….

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TMI

You’ve been warned!  This post is going to be touchy-feely, so if you’re allergic to that please just move on.

Kili and I started the day with our usual walk.  I was looking for the plateau we’d found earlier and walked the back way from.  Instead we ended up on another anonymous hill.  Kili made a friend of another dog out walking her humans.  They nicely took her off her leash so she could chase Kili up and down the hills until I remembered the Kryptonite I carry in my pockets in the form of tennis balls!  Then he forgot her and drooled and salivated while they gratefully leashed their dog and took off while the going was good.  This afternoon we did finally find the plateau and played ball until Kili had a tongue dragging the ground he was so tired.  It was nice.

So where is the touchy feely?  Well, I’m just not feeling the best here in Craggy Wash.  I feel like I’ve been abandoned and dropped as a friend in favor of others.  So that’s not really the whole situation, but in my eyes it’s the gist.  Craggy Wash is not really a place to go alone unless you are really into solitude.  There are so many nooks and cranys to the place.  Last year was fun because I was part of the group, camped near them, did alot alone, but they were always there and we often did campfires and went into town together and walks and chatted and stuff like that.

This year, I knew something was off even before I came because the group didn’t want to commit to a day or time they were coming to Craggy Wash.  A couple days, then a week, then we’re not sure.  I’m trying really hard not to take things personally because I do know that not everything is about me, contrary to what certain people might think!  So I just brushed off the vagueness and decided to come when *I* wanted to come since that was the vibe I was getting from “the group”.  I let everyone know what I was doing.  Got up here Thursday afternoon, and found a spot that had a lot of room all around it for others in the group to camp.

Then later that afternoon, another couple in the group drove by and stopped and offered me a ride into town.  Really nice.  And I mean that, it’s not sarcastic.  They are nice and it was a nice thing to do.

Turns out they were camped a lot further into the wash, so a nice hike for me.  And they had a lot of space open around them as well and everyone was expected to camp near them.

So see, I never got that memo.  And I was already set up camp which is not something you want to do often if you can help it.

The rest of the group did proceed to arrive in the next few days and as expected they all camped near the first couple.  So again I’m the odd one out and far enough away that it’s a chore for me to try to interact with any of them.  They only interact with me if they happen to be driving past and I happen to be out and they know I saw them. (now that is not a fact, but how it seems to me).  No one deliberately walks down to my campsite to just chat.

I’m having to accept that I’m just not a person that people want to be around.  That’s a bitter pill to swallow, I have to tell you.

And it’s a bitter pill to realize that I’m going to be alone this whole trip.  If there was no Kili, that would be that, I’d give up.

So for now I think I’m just going to only count on myself and only do what I want to do and leave this place as soon as I can.  Which will probably be Thursday or Friday.  I’ll go to Phoenix and either store my trailer for a week and stay with Burton, or stay at an RV park in Glendale, or a third option is public land in Buckeye.  Maybe a combination of all three.

Then I can go to Dallas and see how I can help Matt, and maybe after that, come back to Havasu or Quartzsite or wherever the wind takes me.  But the bottom line is I have to never let myself get attached to anyone because it hurts to bad to be ignored when they inevitably get tired of you or someone better or more interesting comes along.

Okay, so whiny rant done.  🙂

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LED light project

Today the project was to finally put my LED light strip up under the awning.  My bright idea was to power it with the porch light fixture wires.  I just cut the wires going into the bulb fixture and connected it to the power input for the LED light strip.

Then made a y-connector for the wires from the light strip itself and plugged everything in.

Last step was to tape it all down.  I’ll pretty it up more tomorrow, but just wanted to get it up now.

This way the light strip simply becomes my porch light.  I can turn it on and off via the porch light switch and change the colors by the remote.  It’s on red now, but I set it to white when it turned dark and it really lights up the camp area!

I’ve got some extra of the light strip so I can try to set something up under the kitchen cabinets.  Maybe some mood lighting?  Naw, can’t change the color on the ones left over since they won’t be connected to the remote.  Oh well, I’ll think on it.

Here’s some scenery outside the trailer.  Kili likes to watch everything from inside the fence.  Not really!  He wants out but he’ll stay there if I’m around.

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